Trouble in Turn2

In the last few years the energy drink market has exploded. The industry had three billion dollars in sales in 2005. With large marketing budgets and a young target audience, it made sense for the drink companies to gravitate towards NASCAR. Five different brands support six cars as either associate or primary sponsors at the Cup level. So what’s the big deal? Has anyone actually tried some of these drinks? I decided to find out so I retreated to the Trouble in Turn 2 laboratory for some official taste tests.

First a few thoughts about the drinks. Almost all of the drinks came in 16 oz cans or bottles despite an 8 oz recommended serving size. How many people will truly drink only half a can? That means while each can has twice as many nutrients, it also has double the sugar, and caffeine than what is truly advised. Most also warned against pregnant women drinking them. If you need to have that warning, how healthy can it be for a non-pregnant person?

All of the drinks boast the ingredient Taurine. I have no idea what taurine is, (I thought it was a former Florida Gators point guard). I have no idea what Taurine is good for, and apparently since there is no recommended daily intake, the FDA doesn’t know either. My greater concern is that it looks a lot like another word associated with yellow liquids. That fact was apparently lost on drink companies peddling yellow beverages. Go on, drink up boys.

The Drink (break)Down

• Amp

  Who they sponsor: Dale Earnhardt Jr.

  Desired Effect: Based on the commercials, my desired effect was the temporary power to trade blows with a gorilla, carry a camel or at least look cool.

  TasteAmp was not as sweet as No Fear, but had more flavor than Vitamin Water. Considering the competition, the taste approached tolerable.

  What really happened: I drank the can at 5:00 and had trouble sleeping at night. I also found no large, jungle animals to beat and/or carry for great distances. Since I tried Amp in my home on a Saturday afternoon, no one in the house thought I was cool.

• Red Bull

  Who they sponsor: Brian Vickers, AJ Allmendinger (Mike Skinner or the next big thing)

  Fun Fact: After further research, Taurine comes from bull bile, which apparently Dietrich Maeteschitz

  Taste: It tasted slightly better than Sobe No Fear. Only 8 ounces, but I still had trouble drinking the whole thing.

  Desired effect: The sudden ability to do extreme sports or at the very minimum for wings to begin sprouting from my back.

  Actual effect: No wings, although I did have the desire to suddenly go clubbing at 8:00 in the morning.

• Vitamin Water:

  Who they sponsor: Carl Edwards

  Fun Fact:They feature cutesy flavors including Dragonfruit and Pomegranate.

  Desired effect: Either obtain Kasey Kahne’s boyish good looks or Carl Edwards’ rock hard abs.

  Taste: Pedialyte, or like a watered-down melted popsicle. I couldn’t tell you what Dragonfruit tastes like.

  What really happened: I drank it after a soccer game and actually felt it helped me recover quickly. No sign of my abs, though. It was similar to Gatorade plus some extra stuff.

• Sobe No Fear

  Who they sponsor: Boris Said

  Fun Fact: The Sugar-free can reads, “We didn’t remove the sugar, it got scared and ran away.” Whoa, tough guys.

  Taste: The experience went like this-Sip number one, this isn’t too bad. Sip number two through forty, liquids are not supposed to taste like this. I can’t even remember the exact taste because the sweetness was so overpowering. It was like my mouth was perfectly coated with sugar the way flouride does at the dentist (note:only the coating effect was similar and I apologize to the ADA for including “dentist” and “perfectly coated with sugar” in the same sentence).

  Desired effect: The ability to run into brick walls without trepidation or anxiety. I was also hoping that I would like and thus buy more cases, so Said could run more races.

  What really happened: Evidently there’s a reason Boris doesn’t run more races. The taste is terrible. I took a few sips and things were going really well, but when I got halfway through the can it began to rain. Kind of a parallel to a typical qualifying day for the #60 team. It also felt like syrup was collecting in my mouth and I couldn’t finish the can. Sorry Boris, I really tried to support you.

• Monster

  Who they sponsor: Robby Gordon

  Fun Fact: Each can has 100% of your daily recommended ogre fiber and 75% of your daily werewolf sweat (Note: Fun Fact may not really be a fact, or fun).

  Desired effect: The energy to be daring, risky and maybe a little reckless. I previously had the desire to race across the sahara, but you know, Al-Qaeda and all.

  Taste: I have run out of adjectives by this point. We’ll lump it with Amp and Red Bull on the ease of drinking scale (another bad sign if you have to have a “swallowability” rating).

  What really happened: Confirmed my theory that I don’t like energy drinks.

Verdict: When I was in middle school, the cool thing to do at sleepovers was drink a lot of Jolt soda because of the ridiculously high sugar and caffeine count. Almost 20 years later it doesn’t seem like anything has changed. Pass the water please.